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"The situation could be a shock to the church or it could be a shock to one of the members of the marriage. Either way, something has happened that is now life-threatening for the marital relationship. Over the last year, I (Dr. Baker) have faced more of these relationships than any other time in ministry. As a result, I have spent a significant amount of time thinking of strategies for intervention. What can a church do? Is church discipline/restoration (Matt. 18:15-17; 1 Cor. 5) the only option?[1]
Before we get to some suggested steps, I’ll attempt to define a crisis marriage. Definition of a Crisis Marriage: I am not using the term crisis marriage to describe a relationship that is having brush fires break out. The marriages I have in mind are full-blown wildfires. Divorce is threatened or papers have actually been filed. Violence has become public. An affair has been revealed. A struggle with a secret sin has become known. Therefore, the crisis marriage is a shock to you or to one of the partners and is causing stress on the marriage so that it is unraveling.
Motivations for Getting Involved: Because marriage represents Christ’s relationship to His Church, it is worth intervening sacrificially. A lot is on the line here, including the name of our Lord. Not only that, but also the health of the couple’s children is at stake. They hear that the gospel is about love and forgiveness and grew up believing their parents actually believed these things, but now they fight rather than offer love and forgiveness. The consequence—children mock Christianity and end up cohabiting because they don’t want the pain of a failed marriage. There are many other reasons to get involved with crisis marriages. For the love of Christ constrains us… (2 Cor. 5:14).
END NOTES
[1] The assumption for this article is that we are dealing with people who claim to be Christians.
[2] There was also a recent Fox News report on the effect of fatherless homes on children (Tucker Carlson, report “Men In America”), March 9-20, 2018.
[3] Ed Wilde, “When Marriage Problems Become Legal Problems,” in Men Counseling Men, ed. John D. Street (Eugene: Harvest House, 2013), 333-349.
Principles to Help
Remember the advantages of having a one-anothering culture in the church — Within a one-anothering culture, it is much more natural to have the necessary conversations when these crises happen. It is also harder for the people involved to resist if there has been prior investment in the relationship. Maybe the first thing you need to work on in the ministry is one-anothering as a long-term solution to many soul care issues (see Rom. 12:4-21). Your appeal will be potent in the context of personal relationship.
Key Scriptures and key questions — Consider how these questions and passages could be used with the couple. How could Philippians 2:3-14 change the way you are dealing with the relationship? How can our Lord’s example of washing feet (John 13:1-17) impact the way you relate to your spouse? What personal rights do you believe are being violated? What are the two or three big issues that are perpetually unresolved that have built barriers between you?
Offer hope through Scripture, through resources, and through loving support. This doesn’t just have to happen through the church leadership. All members of the body are responsible for other members of the body (Eph. 4:3).
Ask them to stop whatever they are doing to handle it. Stop talking to others, stop divorce proceedings. Stop adding fuel to the fire! Just stop.
Move towards them through personal contact. You may need to go find the person (Matt. 18:12-14). Make it as personal as possible. Face-to-face is best but also through email, texts, and phone messages. I’m lovingly persistent. The biblical thinking here is that God in Christ moved toward us even while we were still rebels.
Offer alternatives like mediation and other resources. Biblical mediation is ideal for crisis marriages, especially if the couple will not do more long-term marriage counseling. See my article, “The Beauty of Mediation as a Ministry Tool.”
Listen equally to both sides if they will talk with you. Build a loving, hope-filled relationship with both partners and be very careful in taking a side on an issue that is dividing the couple. I am not talking about clear sin issues, but preference issues they have fought over, like the cleanliness of the house or how often they should have sex. There are always two sides (Prov. 18:17)! If you take a side on an issue you will position yourself with one spouse versus the other. Objective neutrality sets you up to minister to all involved.
Give loving warning — For years I have been struck by John Bunyan’s advice, “we woo and warn.” I tell the couple what to expect in court and the results of divorce. I use two resources. The first is a secular article on the devastating effects of divorce on America. We have summarized it for our use and you can find it here.[2] I also use a great chapter from Men Counseling Men. Written by biblical counselor and lawyer Ed Wilde, it gives a realistic picture of divorce court. The purpose is to send a message that divorce court is worse than what you think and to provide hope-filled alternatives.[3] I also make clear that if they claim to be Christians, they are violating 1 Corinthians 6, which admonishes brothers and sisters not to sue one another.
Negotiate for time — I ask, “How long have you been married?” Let’s imagine he or she says, “Ten years.” I then ask, “How long did it take for your marriage to get to this point?” He might say, “Ten years.” I then ask, “How about giving the Lord ten sessions of marriage counseling to see if He can breathe some hope back into your marriage?” If he says he can’t do that then I’ll ask, “How about eight?”
More than a one-person job — Get the body mobilized to listen, pray, plead with, and warn. Crisis is always more than a one-person job.
Don’t forget the family — The husband has left and the wife is depressed—who is feeding the kids and who is cleaning the house?
Finally, church discipline — Some churches think this is the first thing to do, but please notice I have it last on my list. It is to be utilized when your brother “refuses to listen” (Matt. 18:16-17). Threatening church discipline ought to be the last trigger pulled, not the first shot fired.
Remember the advantages of having a one-anothering culture in the church — Within a one-anothering culture, it is much more natural to have the necessary conversations when these crises happen. It is also harder for the people involved to resist if there has been prior investment in the relationship. Maybe the first thing you need to work on in the ministry is one-anothering as a long-term solution to many soul care issues (see Rom. 12:4-21). Your appeal will be potent in the context of personal relationship.
Key Scriptures and key questions — Consider how these questions and passages could be used with the couple. How could Philippians 2:3-14 change the way you are dealing with the relationship? How can our Lord’s example of washing feet (John 13:1-17) impact the way you relate to your spouse? What personal rights do you believe are being violated? What are the two or three big issues that are perpetually unresolved that have built barriers between you?
Offer hope through Scripture, through resources, and through loving support. This doesn’t just have to happen through the church leadership. All members of the body are responsible for other members of the body (Eph. 4:3).
Ask them to stop whatever they are doing to handle it. Stop talking to others, stop divorce proceedings. Stop adding fuel to the fire! Just stop.
Move towards them through personal contact. You may need to go find the person (Matt. 18:12-14). Make it as personal as possible. Face-to-face is best but also through email, texts, and phone messages. I’m lovingly persistent. The biblical thinking here is that God in Christ moved toward us even while we were still rebels.
Offer alternatives like mediation and other resources. Biblical mediation is ideal for crisis marriages, especially if the couple will not do more long-term marriage counseling. See my article, “The Beauty of Mediation as a Ministry Tool.”
Listen equally to both sides if they will talk with you. Build a loving, hope-filled relationship with both partners and be very careful in taking a side on an issue that is dividing the couple. I am not talking about clear sin issues, but preference issues they have fought over, like the cleanliness of the house or how often they should have sex. There are always two sides (Prov. 18:17)! If you take a side on an issue you will position yourself with one spouse versus the other. Objective neutrality sets you up to minister to all involved.
Give loving warning — For years I have been struck by John Bunyan’s advice, “we woo and warn.” I tell the couple what to expect in court and the results of divorce. I use two resources. The first is a secular article on the devastating effects of divorce on America. We have summarized it for our use and you can find it here.[2] I also use a great chapter from Men Counseling Men. Written by biblical counselor and lawyer Ed Wilde, it gives a realistic picture of divorce court. The purpose is to send a message that divorce court is worse than what you think and to provide hope-filled alternatives.[3] I also make clear that if they claim to be Christians, they are violating 1 Corinthians 6, which admonishes brothers and sisters not to sue one another.
Negotiate for time — I ask, “How long have you been married?” Let’s imagine he or she says, “Ten years.” I then ask, “How long did it take for your marriage to get to this point?” He might say, “Ten years.” I then ask, “How about giving the Lord ten sessions of marriage counseling to see if He can breathe some hope back into your marriage?” If he says he can’t do that then I’ll ask, “How about eight?”
More than a one-person job — Get the body mobilized to listen, pray, plead with, and warn. Crisis is always more than a one-person job.
Don’t forget the family — The husband has left and the wife is depressed—who is feeding the kids and who is cleaning the house?
Finally, church discipline — Some churches think this is the first thing to do, but please notice I have it last on my list. It is to be utilized when your brother “refuses to listen” (Matt. 18:16-17). Threatening church discipline ought to be the last trigger pulled, not the first shot fired.
END NOTES
[1] The assumption for this article is that we are dealing with people who claim to be Christians.
[2] There was also a recent Fox News report on the effect of fatherless homes on children (Tucker Carlson, report “Men In America”), March 9-20, 2018.
[3] Ed Wilde, “When Marriage Problems Become Legal Problems,” in Men Counseling Men, ed. John D. Street (Eugene: Harvest House, 2013), 333-349.
