Why Church Hurt Follows You—and How God Heals What People Broke

Why Church Hurt Follows You—and How God Heals What People Broke

By Pastor Ethan Jago

"Let’s talk about church hurt—not the light kind you can brush off with Church folks be church-folkin’—but the kind that hits your chest, makes you question God, and has you halfway out the door every Sunday, at least on the inside. Church hurt is pain that happens in the context of spiritual community, through pastors, leaders, members, systems, or even theology used and applied the wrong way. It hits differently because you didn’t just trust these people with your time; you trusted them with your soul. You tied their words and actions to God’s name, so when they failed you, it felt like God had failed you, too. If nobody else gets why you still wrestle with it, I do.

The tricky thing about church hurt is that it doesn’t stay at the old church; if you aren’t careful, it packs its bags and moves with you to the new one. You walk through new doors with walls, not just wisdom. You find yourself scanning everything: How do they handle money? Who really has the power here? What do they believe about leaders, about women, about accountability? When people are kind, you become skeptical, wondering what they really want. Wisdom is a gift, but living in suspicion all the time is exhausting. Scripture says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Prov 4:23). Guarding your heart is not the same as locking it behind concrete and barbed wire so no one ever gets close again.

Without even meaning to, you start to isolate yourself while calling it “being cautious.” You come late and leave early. You avoid small groups and serving because those spaces require vulnerability. You keep the conversation on the surface: work is fine, God is good, life is okay. On the outside, you say, “I’m just observing,” but on the inside, what you really mean is, “If I don’t attach, you can’t abandon me.” The enemy loves that, because isolation makes your unchallenged thoughts sound more and more like the truth. God designed you for connection, not constant self-protection, which is why the Bible encourages believers not to give up meeting together, but to encourage one another (Heb 10:25). Community isn’t just a church program; it’s part of your spiritual survival.

Then there’s the part nobody likes to admit: we start projecting old pain and unmet expectations onto new people. A leader doesn’t text you back, and your heart immediately says, “See, they don’t care about you either.” Someone forgets your name, and you decide, “I’m invisible. Same story, new church.” The pastor preaches on giving, and your mind screams, “Here we go, another manipulator.” Here is an item of critical importance: you’re not just responding to the new church, you’re reacting to the old one through them. Unmet expectations from the past start running the show.

A real pastor would have checked on me.
A real friend would know what I need without me explaining.
A real church family wouldn’t let that happen.

You start expecting people to read your mind, heal your past, and never mess up in the exact area where you were wounded. That’s not a realistic community; that’s a setup, because you’re demanding perfection from humans who can’t give it. The Bible tells us to “bear with each other and forgive one another” and to forgive as the Lord forgave us (Col 3:13). That means making room for humanity, even when you’re still healing.

The painful twist is that unhealed hurt doesn’t just sit quietly; it leaks, and without meaning to, you create new hurt in new places. You might come off cold, guarded, or distant. You assume the worst, so your responses are sharp, or you vanish without explanation. You “test” people to see if they’ll fail you, and of course, they eventually do, because everyone fails someone at some point. Then you say, “This is exactly why I don’t fool with church people.” But sometimes what you’re labeling as rejection is just the natural distance created by the walls you built. Sometimes the hurt isn’t an intentional wound; it’s a miscommunication. This isn’t about blaming you for other people’s behavior. It’s about giving you your power back, so what they did doesn’t control the rest of your story.

You are not alone. Many within the context of the church have gone through some form of church hurt; however, you can either make it your identity or seek the Lord’s guidance to help you move forward.

God Comes Near and Heals

A Letter to a Discouraged Pastor (A Lifting Up for the Downcast)

Be encouraged as you consider the late Dr. R.C. Sproul's letter to a discouraged pastor.  Like, John MacArthur, R.C. was a pastor to many pastors and a kind and loyal friend. He is remembered for his ability to speak the truth in love (among many other things). He is dearly missed.

"Your letter struck a raw nerve with me. I felt a sense of déjà vu. My mind snapped back to my own seminary days and subsequent early years of ministry.

The first memory it sparked was of occasions as a young man when I expressed my frustrations to older men who responded to me by saying, “You’re too young and idealistic to understand these things. Wait until you get more experience.”

That type of answer only fueled my frustration. I wanted cogent answers and sound arguments, not patronage from my elders.

My seminary experience was much like yours. I had professors who openly attacked the doctrine of Christ’s substitutionary atonement, the deity of Christ, and ridiculed anyone who believed the Bible was God’s Word. I experienced shock, hurt, and anger. When I expressed these concerns to older people in the church, they added to my dismay by insisting that I must be mistaken and that I was being a troublemaker.  Day after day in seminary classes I was exposed to a rigorous skepticism toward everything I held sacred. Fortunately (I should say providentially), I had one professor who brilliantly defended the biblical faith and who supported me in my trials. I really don’t know what I would have done without Dr. Gerstner.

There were two simple passages from the Bible to which I clung tenaciously. The first was from Psalm 37:1: “Do not fret because of evil men.” That hit home with me because I was doing a lot of fretting and it wasn’t helping my spiritual life.

The second passage was from Jeremiah. When the prophet complained to God bitterly and threatened to quit because false prophets were undermining his ministry, God rebuked him and said, “Let the prophet who has a dream tell his dream, but let the one who has My word speak it faithfully” (Jer. 23:28).

The application of those words to my life was simple. I realized that God was not going to hold me accountable for what other ministers said or did. Rather, He was going to hold my feet to the fire for what I say and do. I had my marching orders, and so do you.

When I hear your anguish, I have two conflicting responses in my heart. 1) On the one hand I want to rush to your side and offer you whatever encouragement I can. I want to weep with you as you weep.

2) On the other hand, as a battle-scarred veteran, I want to kick you in the pants and give you a “Pattonesque” bop on the chin. I want to say, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” The ministry is no place for cowards. You know as well as I do that this all goes with the territory. When was it ever any different? We are called to serve a Master who was despised and rejected of men. We join a company of those whom the world hated and slew.

Christ will remove every spot, mend every tear, and smooth every wrinkle.

I know what you’re thinking. Yeah, its easy to put up with the hostility of the world. We expect it. It’s getting shot in the back from within the church that is hard to take. Even then we tend to rise to the occasion when the issues are big and important. It’s the pettiness that wears us down.

Again, mature faith requires that we be willing and able to absorb petty slights and insults. How does it go for you on Sunday mornings? You stand at the door to greet your flock and many people tell you that they appreciated your sermon. Then one person expresses a criticism. What do you remember for the rest of the day? Right . . . me too. You tell yourself that you’re supposed to be able to handle criticism, but it still wounds. Chances are, if the person knew how much they wounded you they would be horrified. Most of the petty hurts we endure are unintentional. Understanding that can go a long way to salving the wound.

But there is a bigger issue to be dealt with from your letter. It involves our understanding of the church itself. You need to understand that the church is the most corrupt institution on earth. It’s more corrupt than the government. It’s more corrupt than the cosa nostra.

7 blessings of having consecutive expository preaching as the staple diet for God's people

In his helpful little book “the Priority of Preaching” Christopher Ash provides “7 blessings of having consecutive expository preaching as the staple diet on the menu for the people of God.”  Verse by verse preaching (aka sequential expository preaching) has a number of built in benefits.  

Ash highlights the following 7 benefits:

1) Consecutive Expository Preaching Safeguards God's Agenda Against Being Hijacked by Ours. 

 In biblical ministry I want to get rid of three demons. They are called Relevance, Entertainment, and Immediacy…To preach through a Bible book is to trust that the agenda of God is the right, the deepest, and the best agenda" (pp. 111-12).

2) Consecutive Expository Preaching Makes It Harder For Us to Abuse the Bible by Reading It Out of Context.

Consecutive Bible exposition helps us understand the Bible in its context and therefore understand it correctly, and not to abuse the Word of God by twisting it to mean something other than what God has made it mean" (p. 116). 2 Timothy 2:15.

3) Consecutive Expository Preaching Dilutes the Selectivity of the Preacher. 

This does not mean the pastor should never address a particular need within his unique ministerial context. One need not be slavishly committed to the ‘lectio continua’ method of preaching. We simply need to give God the microphone and trust that 2 Timothy 3:15-17 is really not a typo. If all Scripture is divinely inspired and profitable then our people need to hear the full counsel and revealed will of God.

4) Consecutive Expository Preaching Keeps the Context of the Sermon Fresh and Surprising.

Pastor John MacArthur: Longtime Pastor, Mentor, and Friend!

“Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the Word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith” (Hebrews 13:7). “Imitate me, (in so much) as I imitate Christ.” The Apostle Paul, 1 Corinthians 11:1.

When it comes to ministry mentors and pastoral role-models: Choose wisely!  For “the student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will become like their teacher.” Luke 6:40.

Dr. John MacArthur became my pastor in 1991.  I still consider him to be my primary ministry mentor, my faithful shepherd, and my humble friend.  Pastor John has been the lead shepherd at Grace Community Church steadily leading the same flock for over fifty years now; (he began his ministry at GCC in 1969)!  When my entire family moved from Wisconsin Rapids to Los Angeles in the early 90’s, little did I know the impact Pastor John MacArthur would have on my life, my wife/family, and on my own future pastoral ministry.  How could I? Seeing I was not genuinely converted until Jr. High (and only God knows the future).  Looking back, one of the greatest privileges in my life was growing up at Grace Community Church, sitting under the expository preaching ministry of John MacArthur, and attending the Master’s University and Seminary.  Here I learned the in’s and out’s of biblical Christianity and the ABC’s of pastoral ministry and expository preaching.  At this faithful church, under this faithful preacher, everything my Christian parents taught me from Scripture was reinforced and fortified (2 Timothy 3:15-4:5).

Over the past thirty years I have corresponded back and forth with Pastor MacArthur often via handwritten letters.  Despite an unbelievably demanding ministry schedule, Pastor John has always taken time to write me back (albeit sometimes through his church secretary).  As a child/teenager many of my chicken scratch notes included "difficult" bible questions, such as, “Pastor, how do you explain the discrepancies with regard to numbers recorded in the same bible verse in different bible translations?”  “Dear Pastor John, if God is absolutely sovereign, how do we reconcile ____.”  After many gracious and thoroughly biblical responses I realized that it was unlikely that I would be able to stump (my) Pastor John.   

In the 90’s my (pastor) father had the privilege of serving as missions/outreach pastor (while attending seminary) and I had the honor of serving as a deacon (a decade or so later).  During college, when the Lord changed my career trajectory from sports broadcasting to pastoral ministry/preaching, my love and appreciation for Pastor John MacArthur increased a hundred-fold.  He was now not only my favorite preacher, he was also a ministry hero in the faith.  Like Dr. Lloyd-Jones, Pastor John was a lion in the pulpit and a lamb outside of it when interacting with his beloved congregation.  As I was able to see him live out his faith in private (doing life with his children and grandchildren) my respect for him only grew.  Like my own father, he was the same godly man at home as he was behind the pulpit.

One of the most memorable highlights of our married life is when Pastor John and Patricia visited our 1-bedroom dorm apartment (see picture above) for dinner before I graduated from seminary and moved to the Midwest to pastor a local church.  

Suffice it to say, no “jar of clay” has had a greater impact on my pulpit ministry, my theological convictions, and my (biblical) philosophy of ministry than Pastor John MacArthur.  This partially explains why Andrea and I named our son Jude MacArthur Kolstad. 

Many people who find/visit the churches I joyfully pastor do so via the Master’s Seminary church finder or by calling “Grace to You.”  It's a tremendous stewardship and honor to receive referrals from any of Pastor John’s ministry volunteers, staff pastors, or university/seminary professors (1 Corinthians 4:2; 1 Peter 4:11).  To be called a "Master's man" is a great privilege and a great responsibility.

In view of the massive influence of The Master’s Seminary/University and Pastor John MacArthur on me (and all of our pastors) we believe it is quite fitting to highlight this special relationship on my ministry blog page and church website.

Included are a few of my favorite memories/pictures with Pastor John; (Unfortunately, I did not save any letters from my childhood/teen years).

Article originally posted 5/11/23

Philemon 1:24- Mark: The Tragic Failure, Restored Partnership, Recognized Usefulness Story

Mark: A Painful Failure…An Unexpected Parting of Ways...and a Powerful Restoration!

Philemon 1:24

Pastoral ministry is not just marked by joy (high highs). It is also marked by disappointment (low lows). Church hurt is sadly an all too common experience.

Faithful men sometimes falter.  Trusted partners sometimes walk away.  Ministry friendships sometimes crumble. 

And when they do—it doesn’t just affect relationships.  It affects the work.  

Not surprising then, Satan and his minions work overtime trying to discourage, distract, and divide the Lord's people (hence Ephesians 4:1-32 and Colossians 3:12-17). One Christian author rightly notes, "Satan always divides when he is most afraid of ministry multiplication...If Satan can't stop us, then he will work overtime to divide us."  The moment you put your guard down is the second the forces of darkness move in.

Paul was not immune to these struggles.  He too experienced shocking heartbreak (see 2 Corinthians).  He too was abandoned. He too made mistakes.  He too endured relational falling outs.

Such things should not catch us by complete surprise. The Scriptures and church history remind us that "the best of men are still men at best." All men, includes the legendary Paul, and every other Christian leader. They too are "men at best."  

In my own life, some of my longtime ministry role models changed over time or proved not to be who I thought they were.  Initially, I was completely devastated.  In moments of despair the Holy Spirit reminded me that Jesus and Jesus alone is the perfect, never failing, Good Shepherd! He alone is the (great) Hero of heaven (see Revelation 5)!  He alone is Faithful and ever True. "What a (perfect) Friend we have in Jesus." He is unrivaled! But back to Philemon.

A Failure That Couldn’t Be Ignored (at least not by Paul)

When Paul lists his fellow workers in Philemon 1:23-24, one name really stands out: "Mark."

Mark's story doesn’t start here, however.  In Acts 13, Mark joins Paul and Barnabas on an important missionary journey.   Later, this theological powerhouse team stood shoulder to shoulder at the Jerusalem Council (Acts 15). Paul and Barnabas functioned as the original dynamic duo! A formidable force.

But---something unexpected occurs.  

Earlier in the story, Mark turned back. He walked away. He abandoned ship.  Scripture doesn’t provide many details. It does show the result.

The work continues. "The show must go on." But now it’s far more challenging.

People often forget that ministry role players, by definition, play vital roles. When someone unexpectedly abandons their ministry post others have to carry extra weight. Productivity and progress can be negatively impacted. Morale often takes a hit.

And that kind of disappointment is not easily forgotten. Those who value loyalty and fortitude as highly as Paul did can feel the apostle's pain.

Mark was someone Paul believed he could count on. Someone he trusted. Someone he invested in.

---

A Sharp Conflict Between Godly Men and Good Friends

By Acts 15, the Mark issue resurfaces.

Barnabas wants Mark to rejoin them. He believed it was time to restore him to ministry.  The son of encouragement may have appealed to the perfect example of the Lord Jesus, who graciously restored Simon Peter, after epic failure(s)- see John 21:15-19; Matthew 26:69-75.  

Paul views things differently and has different plans. And Luke records it plainly in Acts 15: "There arose a very sharp disagreement."

Not mild tension. Not a quiet difference of perspective.  A very sharp conflict.

Paul likely emphasized faithfulness and fortitude. Barnabas likely emphasized grace, forbearance, and forgiveness.

Both men love Christ, the lost, and the Lord's Church. Both men want the gospel to advance. 

And yet—they lock horns and eventually they divide and go separate ways!  

---

When Unity Breaks

In Acts 15 a ministry dream team experiences a contentious and unexpected breakup. Shockingly, Paul and Barnabas could not find a way to "agree to disagree" and move forward together. The inspired text does not take sides.  Luke (the human author of Acts) does not say if both men were in the wrong or if one missed the mark more than the other. The inspired text just describes how and why Paul and Barnabas fought and parted ways.

Barnabas leaves and takes Mark. Paul moves forward with Silas.

And just like that, a powerful and fruitful ministry partnership is over.  Two church leaders have a very heated disagreement and go separate ways.  

It is important to note that both men continue to serve the Lord. Just not together.  

If we are being humble and honest we would quickly admit that this sort of thing happens far more often than Christians would care to admit.  Long time church leaders and/or dear friends encounter unexpected turbulence.  The more they talk the further apart they grow.  Eventually, a painful break up happens. 

Surely, this is one reason why the Holy Spirit includes this sad chapter in the sacred Scriptures. Ministry impasses and relational falling outs can and do happen within the Body of Christ.

This account should sober us. Because unity is good (Ps. 133), is commanded (Eph. 4); and is a gift from God (Jn 17).

And yet—even among good and faithful saints—it can fracture.

That is not new. It happened then.  It still happens. 

One author adds the following commentary, "From the relationship of Paul and Barnabas we can draw an important lesson. Here were two godly men, loved by the churches, filled with the Spirit, enduring persecution together, seeing people saved, and enjoying an effective ministry. Yet they were fallible and did not see eye to eye on everything. They quarreled and parted ways. Even the best and most faithful among us are prone to interpersonal conflicts. Every Christian is a fallen, frail, fallible human being." 

BUT God Is Not Thwarted! He works good out of this messy breakup (Rom. 8:28f; Gen. 50:20). What looks like a setback… becomes expansion.

Two Christ-centered missionary teams now move forward (instead of just one).  More outreach. More people reached.

God Almighty is never limited by human failure or ministry impasses.

---

The Risk of a Second Chance

Philemon 1:17-20: Gospel-motivated Obedience Refreshes the Hearts of Fellow Christians!

Let Me Benefit From You in the Lord: Refresh My Heart in Christ!

"Yes, brother, let me benefit from you in the Lord; refresh my heart in Christ." (Philemon 1:20)

We come now to the moment of truth in Paul's letter to Philemon.  The groundwork has been laid. Paul has prepared the soil and plucked the heartstrings of his ministry partner, Mr. Reliable, Philemon.

Paul has spoken warmly of Philemon's faith and love. He has reminded him of Onesimus' genuine (unexpected) conversion. He has highlighted the remarkable power of the gospel to save fugitive sinners, transform messy lives, and mend broken relationships.

Now comes the big ask.

How will Philemon respond? 

Will he receive his runaway slave as Christ received him (Romans 5:8)?  Will he forgive him? Will he treat him as a beloved brother in Christ? Or will prejudice, cultural norms, and resentment win the day?

As we arrive at verses 17-20, we discover that this passage is about far more than Philemon and Onesimus. It teaches every believer how to honor Christ and refresh the hearts of God's people.

The Influence of a Faithful Christian

One of the recurring themes in Philemon is the refreshing ministry of encouragement.

Earlier in the letter Paul writes:

"Because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, brother." (Philemon 7)

Philemon had a reputation for strengthening God's people.

His faith was not merely private. His love was not merely theoretical. His Christian life brought comfort, encouragement, and joy to others.

That truth should cause us to pause and reflect.

Whether we realize it or not, every Christian is an influencer.

Our attitudes influence others. Our actions influence others. Our responses to trials influence others. Our obedience influences others.

Philemon's response to Onesimus would undoubtedly influence the entire church at Colossae.

The congregation would be watching.

Would he respond according to the flesh or imitate the perfect example of Christ?

The same question confronts us today: How can we honor Jesus while refreshing the hearts of fellow believers?

The answer is surprisingly simple: By fleshing out the implications of the gospel and living in light of our common union in Christ.

Paul Appeals Rather Than Commands

One of the most beautiful features of this letter is its warm and gracious tone.

Paul possessed apostolic authority.

If he chose, he could have simply issued a command.

Instead, he appeals as a friend, a fellow laborer, and a spiritual father.

Earlier Paul wrote:

"Though I have enough confidence in Christ to order you to do what is proper, yet for love's sake I rather appeal to you..." (Philemon 8-9)

By the time we reach verse 21, Paul expresses complete confidence in Philemon's obedience.

Why?  Because mature believers generally desire to do what is right. They are not perfect. But they are teachable.  They are eager to obey the Lord from the heart and not as mere man pleasers.

Paul presses into Philemon's godly reputation and character. He knows his proven track record.  Paul is optimistic that Philemon will once again respond to his big ask in a Christ-honoring manner. No matter the cost.

Receive Him as You Would Receive Me!

At the heart of Paul's appeal is this remarkable request:

"If then you regard me a partner, accept him as you would me." (Philemon 17)

What an astonishing statement!  Paul asks Philemon to welcome Onesimus exactly as he would welcome the Apostle himself.

Think about that for a moment.

Onesimus had failed. He had sinned. He had wronged his master.

Yet because of the grace of God, Paul now views him differently.

No longer as a renegade runaway. No longer as a lazy and worthless worker.

He is now a beloved brother in Christ. A fellow saint.  A valuable co-laborer. A member of God's family.

The gospel changes how we view one another.  Our primary identity is no longer rooted in social status, ethnicity, occupation, or background. Our primary identity is found in Christ.

That reality lies at the very heart of Paul's appeal.

Forgiveness and Restoration

Paul goes even further.

He writes:

"But if he has wronged you in any way or owes you anything, charge that to my account." (Philemon 18)

What grace! What mercy! What love! What a picture of the gospel!

Paul is willing to personally absorb the debt in order to facilitate relational reconciliation. He values unity within the of Body of Christ so much he is willing to do whatever he can to foster it.

At the same time, he expects Philemon to forgive Onesimus just as God in Christ had forgiven him (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:12-14).

This is the pattern taught throughout the New Testament. Forgiven people forgive. Recipients of grace extend grace. Those reconciled to God pursue reconciliation with others.

Philemon 1:8-16: The Power of the Gospel to Save Fugitive Sinners, Transform Messy Lives, and Mend Broken Relationships

The matchless power of God is displayed in many ways.  We see God's limitless power during hurricane and tornado season. The mighty forces of nature remind us that we serve an omnipotent Creator.

We see His power in the mighty deeds of Christ. When Jesus rebuked the wind and the sea, the disciples marveled and asked:

"What kind of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey Him?" (Matthew 8:27)

Yet one of the greatest displays of God's glorious power is often overlooked.

The power of God is magnificently displayed whenever the gospel saves a wayward sinner, transforms a messy life, and restores a broken relationship.

That is exactly what we find in Philemon 1:8-16.

As we continue our study of this remarkable letter, we are reminded that the power behind the gospel is God Himself. The Father planned redemption. The Son purchased redemption. The Holy Spirit applies redemption.

The triune God is the agent behind every genuine conversion and every lasting transformation.

Therefore, if you are praying for a prodigal son or daughter, do not lose heart.

If you are counseling a struggling marriage that appears hopeless, do not throw in the towel.

If you are laboring in evangelism and wondering whether anyone is listening, do not grow weary.

If you are experiencing deep church hurt and grieving the loss of Christian friendships, do not abandon all hope.

Never underestimate the power of the gospel.

The Gospel Saves Fugitive Sinners

By the time we arrive at verses 10-11, Onesimus has become a fugitive.

Rather than dealing honestly with what he had stolen, he ran away.  He attempted to leave his past behind. He sought a fresh start without first making things right with God or with his Christian master, Philemon.

Many people still try to do the same thing today.

Rather than confessing sin, they hide it.

Rather than seeking and/or extending forgiveness, they cut off all communication.

Rather than pursuing reconciliation, they disappear.

But the sovereign purposes of God cannot be thwarted.

While hiding in Rome, Onesimus crossed paths with the Apostle Paul.

This was no accident.

The invisible hand of divine providence orchestrated the meeting.

Paul refers to Onesimus as:

"my child, whom I have begotten in my imprisonment" (Philemon 10).

Spiritually speaking, Onesimus was a prison baby.

While Paul remained physically confined, the gospel was still at work setting captives free.

The runaway fugitive was marvelously born again.

The lost sheep became a son of God.

The guilty rebel received forgiveness through faith in Jesus Christ.

The same gospel that powerfully saved Onesimus still saves sinners today.

No one is beyond the infinite stretch of God's mercy.

No one can outrun the saving purposes of God.

The Gospel (also) Transforms Messy Lives

Paul continues in verse 11:

"Formerly he was useless to you, but now he is useful both to you and to me."

The irony is remarkable.

Philemon 1:8-16: The Power of the Gospel to Save Wayward Sinners and Transform Messy Lives

The Power of the Gospel to Save Wayward Sinners and Transform Messy Lives 

"For perhaps he was for this reason separated from you for a while, that you would have him back forever." (Philemon 1:15)

How do you solve a problem like Onesimus?  That was the dilemma facing the Apostle Paul.

By the time we arrive at Philemon 1:8-16, Onesimus had become a complicated case. He was a runaway slave. He had wronged his Christian master, Philemon. He had fled hundreds of miles from home in an attempt to escape the consequences of his actions.

Like many people today, Onesimus wanted a fresh start without first dealing with his past.

But Onesimus' plan and God's plan were not the same.  And thank God for that.

You Cannot Outrun the Saving Grace of God

While hiding in Rome, something unexpected happened. Better said, something providential happened.

The fugitive crossed paths with the Apostle Paul.

Humanly speaking, the odds were staggering. Onesimus had traveled roughly 1,300 miles from Colossae to Rome. Yet in the mysterious providence of God, he encountered the very man who would faithfully share the gospel with him.

There are no accidents in God's universe.

No luck.  No karma.  No blind fate.

The sovereign Lord orchestrates all things according to His perfect will.

Years earlier, Paul himself had been gloriously converted on the Damascus Road. Now God would use that same Apostle to lead another wayward sinner to Christ.

As Paul later wrote concerning Onesimus:

"I appeal to you for my child Onesimus, whom I have begotten in my imprisonment" (Philemon 10).

While Paul was physically imprisoned, the gospel was still setting captives free.

The runaway slave became a redeemed sinner.

The rebel became a beloved brother.

The lost was found.

Ephesians 2:4-5 perfectly describes what happened:

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ."

That is the testimony of every Christian.

We were spiritually dead.

But God.

We were lost.

But God.

We were rebels.

But God.

The saving grace of God pursued Onesimus and brought him to faith in Jesus Christ.

As Charles Spurgeon famously described it, the "Hound of Heaven" chased him down.

Philemon 1:3-7: A Life That Prompts Thanksgiving and Brings Comfort and Joy

A Life That Prompts Prayers of Thanksgiving and Brings Comfort and Joy.

Philemon 1:3–7.  There are some conversations in life that require great care. Sensitive, multi-layered, sticky situations. Difficult requests. Moments where truth must be spoken, but spoken with wisdom, grace, and love. In his short yet powerful letter to Philemon, the Apostle Paul models exactly that kind of pastoral diplomacy.  His godly and balanced response evokes a God-honoring response from Philemon and friends.

Paul is preparing to ask something costly—something that will stretch Philemon’s faith and obedience. But before he makes a loving appeal, he does something profoundly instructive: he sets the table. Like a wise farmer cultivating soil before planting seed, Paul begins by highlighting evidences of grace already at work in Philemon’s life.

There’s a reason verses 1–7 come before verses 8–20.  

Grace and Peace: The Foundation of Christian Relationships

Paul opens with a familiar greeting:

“Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.” (v. 3)

This is more than a formality—it is a theological foundation. God is the fountain of grace and the source of peace. And the grace we receive from Him is meant to overflow into our relationships with others. Grace begets grace.

If we have been so richly forgiven, how can we withhold grace from others? If we are at peace with God through Christ, should that not foster peace with one another? (Rom. 12:18f)

This greeting sets the tone for everything that follows—especially the radical reconciliation Paul will later urge between Philemon and Onesimus.

Ministry Maxim #1: Recognize Evidences of Grace

Before addressing something difficult, identify how God is already at work in someone’s life.  Paul does this beautifully. He doesn’t flatter—he affirms genuine spiritual fruit. Spiritual progress. He sees God’s grace in Philemon, and he says so.

Ministry Maxim #2: Thank God for His Work in Others

Paul doesn’t just notice Philemon’s growth—he thanks God for it.

“I thank my God always, making mention of you in my prayers.” (v. 4)

This reveals both the frequency and intimacy of Paul’s prayers. Philemon is not an afterthought—he is regularly and personally lifted up before the Lord.

And this raises an important question for us:

Do our lives prompt others to thank God when they think of us? (3 John 4)

As the Holy Spirit produces fruit in our lives—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness—we should never take that work for granted. Instead, we should strive to live in such a way that others can sincerely say, “I thank my God when I remember you.”

The Basis of Thanksgiving: Faith and Love