Nine Secrets Your
Pastor's Wife Wishes You Knew
"She’s always there.
Sometimes in the background, sometimes with a welcoming smile up front,
sometimes noticed and appreciated, sometimes being silently judged. Your
pastor’s wife; the powerful force behind most church leaders often perceived as
a mystery by the rest of the church. It doesn’t have to be that way.
What if we just asked our
pastor’s wife to candidly, honestly, even anonymously share some of their
secrets? What if we invited them to share their hearts and tell us what they
wished the church knew?
I posed a simple, open
ended question to a panel of pastors’ wives in different states, from
different denominations, with various years of service, “If you could tell the
church a few things about your role as a pastor’s wife, what would you
say?”
The women selected are the
wives of music ministers, children’s leaders, senior pastors and youth pastors.
Some of them serve in churches with large staff and even larger budgets, others
in newer church plants, and even some from old and barely surviving congregations.
Despite such different backgrounds, their responses were strangely similar and
in several cases, almost identical.
I’ve sat for coffee, exchanged
emails and had lengthy conversations with many who freely shared their
secrets with me in exchange for the promise of anonymity. What follows is a
condensed collection of their words.
1) “I wish people knew that we struggle to have family time.”
There was one common response
that I received from every single pastor’s wife. Every. Single. One. Over
and over again, many pastors’ wives shared numerous occasions where
planned vacations had been cut short (wouldn’t that be hard?). They told
me tales of family evenings being rearranged for crises of church members,
middle of the night emergencies and regular interruptions. A true day off is
rare; even on scheduled days off their husbands are essentially on call 24/7.
2) “Almost every day I’m afraid of screwing it all up.”
They don’t have it all
together. They battle many of the same issues every other woman battles:
marriage issues, extended family difficulties, sickness, finances, children who
make poor decisions, fear and insecurities. Some seasons of life are obviously
harder than others; but remember, ministry wives are not Wonder Woman with
special powers. Please have a little mercy and extend grace.
3) “Being a pastor’s wife is THE loneliest thing I’ve ever done
and for so many reasons.”
Personally, I think this is
surprising to many (it was to me). Several ladies shared the difficulties of
finding friendships that are safe, being looked at (or treated) differently and
even the desire to be invited for an occasional ladies night out. One woman
shared, “Invite us to something just to get to know us. We like being known.”
People in the church often assume that the pastor’s wife is always invited and
popular. In reality, for whatever reason, many ladies fear befriending
them. On Sunday mornings pastors’ wives are often sitting solo and those
with children are essentially single parenting.
4) “It is okay and welcomed to have conversations with me about
things that do not pertain to church, or even Jesus. There I said it!”
They have a variety of
interests. Believe it or not, many pastor’s wives went to college and had
full time careers before becoming “Mrs. Pastor’s wife.” They have hobbies,
likes and dislikes, and though they often serve beside their husband, they are
individuals with their own unique gifts. Do not make the mistake of
assuming your pastor’s wife has the same personality as their husband. One wife
shared that as newly weds when they announced their engagement people regularly
commented on how good of a singer she must be (because her husband to be was a
music minister). When she shared that she sounded more like a dying cat than an
elegant song bird the shock on their faces was evident.
5) “Sundays are sometimes my least favorite day. Wait– am I
allowed to say that?”
Sundays are hard. And long.
And there is no rest. To a pastor’s wife, Sunday means an early morning of
rushing around to have the family ready in their “Sunday Best.” Although you
may not see your pastor’s wife on the platform, rest assured, Sunday is equally
tiring for most (all) of them.
6) “It’s hard to not harbor resentment or to allow your flesh to
lash out at members who openly criticize his ministry.”
They hate church criticism
more then anything. It’s hurtful. Offensive, and yes, it’s very hard not to
take it personally. It is one of the most damaging things they witness
regularly inside the church whether it be through emails, social media or
gossip. They wish people understood how serious God’s word speaks on the danger
and power of our words. And how much it injures the pastor’s family.
7) “Please don’t look down on me or assume I don’t support my
husband just because you don’t see me every time the churches doors are open.”
Most wives are not paid staff.
They are wives, mothers, and some are employed outside the home and need to be
allowed the freedom to pray and choose ministries they feel called to.
8) “I wish people knew that we taught our children to make good
choices, but sometimes, they don’t.”
Jokes about pastor’s kids
should be avoided at all costs. The risk of rebellion in a “preacher’s kid” is
no secret. They aren’t perfect, and never will be (are yours?). They have to
learn to walk in their faith just like other children and need encouragement
and love to do so. Again, extend grace.
9) “What I can tell you is I have been blessed beyond measure, I
have been given gifts, money, love and prayer, so much prayer… by so many.”
They love their church and
understand the role comes with special challenges and special blessings; it is
fulfilling and brings them great joy.
One Extra Thought
Though it was not a common
response, there was one that stood out. The top of the list of one seasoned
pastor’s wife simply read, “I deleted my number 1.” Some secrets are
so difficult to share, even the promise of complete confidence is not enough to
bring them out.
These Godly women have
something they want us to know and as a body of believers working together
towards the same goal I think we might gain a better understanding of how to
appreciate our leaders by listening. All of these responses point to a singular
truth. Your pastor’s wife is a human being that desires to be known, just as
you do."
Christina is an energetic mom
to four adorable young kids, wife, a lover of the outdoors and people. In her
free time she enjoys writing, training for road races, drinking too much
coffee, belly laughs with friends and pursuing a deeper walk with Jesus. She is
forever thankful that God's script for her life needs no editing. (Romans 8:28)
