"Where there are people, there are problems." "It generally takes two to tango." "Conflict is not necessarily bad or destructive. Even when conflict is caused by sin and causes a great deal of stress, God can and will use it for good (see Rom. 8:28-29; Genesis 50:20f). As the Apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 10:31-11:1, conflict actually provides three significant opportunities.
By God’s grace, you can use conflict to: 1) Glorify God (by trusting, obeying, and imitating him). 2) Love and Serve other people (by helping to bear their burdens or by confronting them in love). 3) Grow to be like Christ (by confessing sin and turning from attitudes and actions, that promote sinful conflict; by forgiving others just as God in Christ has forgiven you, Eph. 4:32; by displaying the "fruit of the Spirit, {Gal. 5:22f- love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control} as to be part of the God-honoring solution; not the Christ-dishonoring problem).
These concepts are totally overlooked in most conflicts because people naturally focus on escaping from the situation, winning an argument, or overcoming their opponent. Therefore, it is wise to periodically step back from a conflict and ask yourself whether you are truly doing all that you can to take advantage of these special opportunities.
These concepts are totally overlooked in most conflicts because people naturally focus on escaping from the situation, winning an argument, or overcoming their opponent. Therefore, it is wise to periodically step back from a conflict and ask yourself whether you are truly doing all that you can to take advantage of these special opportunities.
God's Word must guide every step of our lives (Prov. 3:5-6; Joshua 1:8). Here are The 4 G's of Biblical Conflict Resolution and Judging that Honors the Lord.
1st G: Glorify God
When the Apostle Paul urged the Corinthians to live “to the glory of God,” he was not talking about one hour on Sunday morning. He wanted them to show God honor and bring him praise in day-to-day life, especially by the way that they resolved personal conflicts (see 1 Cor. 10:31). “How can I please and honor the Lord in this situation?” What does the Lord God require of me (Micah 6:8; Col. 3:15-17)? As mentioned above, you can glorify God in the midst of conflict by trusting him, obeying him, and imitating him (see Prov. 3:4-6; John 14:15; Eph. 5:1). One of the best ways to keep these concerns uppermost in your mind is to regularly ask yourself this focusing question: “How can I (most) please and honor the Lord in this situation?”
2nd G: Get the Log Out of Your Own Eye
One of the most challenging principles of peacemaking is set forth in Matthew 7:5, where Jesus says, “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
There are generally two kinds of “logs” you need to look for when dealing with conflict. First, you need to ask whether you have had a critical, negative, or overly sensitive attitude that has led to unnecessary conflict. One of the best ways to do this is to spend some time meditating on Philippians 4:2-9, which describes the kind of attitude Christians should have even when they are involved in a conflict.
The second kind of log you must deal with is actual sinful words and actions. Because you and I are often blind to our own sins and shortcomings, you may need an honest friend or a trusted church leader who will help you to take an objective look at yourself and face up to your contribution to an unresolved conflict.
When you identify ways that you have wronged another person, it is important to admit your wrongs honestly and thoroughly. "Conflict is often fueled by good desires that you have elevated to sinful demands”
The most important aspect of getting the log out of your own eye is to go beyond the confession of wrong behavior and try and identify the root cause of that behavior. The Bible teaches that sinful conflict comes from the desires/lusts that battle in your heart (James 4:1-3; Matt. 15:18-19). Some of these desires are obviously sinful, such as wanting to conceal the truth, bend others to your will (my way or no way), or have revenge. In many situations, however, conflict is fueled by good desires that you have elevated to sinful demands, such as a craving to be understood, loved, respected, or vindicated.
Any time you become excessively preoccupied with something, even a good thing, and seek to find happiness, security or fulfillment in it rather than in God, you are guilty of idolatry. Idolatry inevitably leads to conflict with God (“You shall have no other gods before me”). It also causes conflict with other people. As James writes, when we want something but don’t get it, we kill and covet, quarrel and fight (James 4:1-4).
There are three basic steps you can take to overcome the idolatry that fuels conflict. First, you should ask God to help you see where your have been guilty of wrong worship, that is, where you are focusing your love, attention, and energy on something other than God. Start by asking where I have fallen short of God's perfect standard? How have I contributed to this situation? Second, you should specifically identify and renounce each of the desires contributing to the conflict. Third, you should deliberately pursue right worship, that is, to fix your heart and mind on God and to seek joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction in him alone. As God guides and empowers these efforts, you can find freedom from the idols that fuel conflict and be motivated to make choices that will please and honor Christ. This change in heart will usually speed a resolution to a present problem, and at the same time improve your ability to avoid similar conflicts in the future.
3rd G: Gently Restore
Another key principle of peacemaking involves an effort to help others understand how they have contributed to a conflict. When Christians think about talking to someone else about a conflict, one of the first verses that comes to mind is Matthew 18:15: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.” If this verse is read in isolation, it seems to teach that we must always use direct confrontation to force others to admit they have sinned. If the verse is read in context, however, we see that Jesus had something much more flexible and beneficial in mind than simply standing toe to toe with others and describing their sins.
Just before this passage, we find Jesus’ wonderful metaphor of a loving shepherd who goes to look for a wandering sheep and then rejoices when it is found (Matt. 18:12-14). Thus, Matthew 18:15 is introduced with a theme of restoration, not condemnation. Jesus repeats this theme just after telling us to “go and show him his fault” by adding, “If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” And then he hits the restoration theme a third time in verses 21f, where he uses the parable of the unmerciful servant to remind us to be as merciful and forgiving to others as God is to us (Matt. 18:21f).
Jesus is clearly calling for something much more loving and redemptive than simply confronting others with a list of their wrongs. Similarly, Galatians 6:1 gives us solid counsel on our what our attitude and purpose ought to be when we go to our brother. “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.” Our attitude should be one of gentleness rather than anger, and our purpose should be to restore rather than condemn.
Jesus also reminds the one preparing to judge, "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." If you spend countless hours evaluating the possible shortcomings, blind spots, and sins of others, you must welcome similar scrutiny. Redeemed sinners should judge other sinners with abundant grace and mercy, knowing that is how we want others to judge/treat us as well. Even when we are not guilty of the same sin, "But for the grace of God, go I."
Yet even before you go to talk with someone, remember that it is appropriate to overlook minor offenses (see Prov. 19:11). As a general rule, an offense should be overlooked if you can answer “no” to the following questions: Is the offense seriously dishonoring God? Has it permanently damaged a relationship? Is it seriously hurting other people? and Is it seriously hurting the offender himself?
If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, an offense is too serious to overlook, in which case God commands you to go and talk with the offender privately and lovingly about the situation. As you do so, remember to:
Yet even before you go to talk with someone, remember that it is appropriate to overlook minor offenses (see Prov. 19:11). As a general rule, an offense should be overlooked if you can answer “no” to the following questions: Is the offense seriously dishonoring God? Has it permanently damaged a relationship? Is it seriously hurting other people? and Is it seriously hurting the offender himself?
If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, an offense is too serious to overlook, in which case God commands you to go and talk with the offender privately and lovingly about the situation. As you do so, remember to:
Pray for humility and wisdom
Plan your words carefully (think of how you would want to be confronted)
Anticipate likely reactions and plan appropriate responses (rehearsals can be very helpful)
Choose the right time and place (talk in person whenever possible)
Assume the best about the other person until you have facts to prove otherwise (Prov. 11:27).
Do not involve yourself in someone else's conflict. Prov. 26:17, He who passes by and meddles in a quarrel not his own; Is like one who takes a dog by the ears.
Listen very carefully (Prov. 18:13). Ask good questions? Am I missing anything? Perhaps their are details/context I did not know.
Speak only to build others up (Eph. 4:29). Words of grace edify and build up (not needlessly tear down).
Ask for feedback from the other person. Have I unknowingly sinned against you? Am I guilty of the very things I am lovingly confronting you over? If so, please let me know.
Recognize your limits (only God can change people; see Rom. 12:18; 2 Tim. 2:24-26)
If an initial conversation does not resolve a conflict, do not give up. Review what was said and done, and look for ways to make a better approach during a follow up conversation. It may also be wise to ask a spiritually mature friend, a biblical counselor, or a trusted church leader for advice on how to approach the other person more effectively. Then try again with even stronger prayer support.
If repeated, careful attempts at a private discussion are not fruitful, and if the matter is still too serious to overlook, you should prayerfully consider whether to ask others to meet with you and your opponent and help you to resolve your differences.
If an initial conversation does not resolve a conflict, do not give up. Review what was said and done, and look for ways to make a better approach during a follow up conversation. It may also be wise to ask a spiritually mature friend, a biblical counselor, or a trusted church leader for advice on how to approach the other person more effectively. Then try again with even stronger prayer support.
If repeated, careful attempts at a private discussion are not fruitful, and if the matter is still too serious to overlook, you should prayerfully consider whether to ask others to meet with you and your opponent and help you to resolve your differences.
4th G: Go and be Reconciled
One of the most unique features of biblical peacemaking is the pursuit of genuine forgiveness and Christ-honoring reconciliation. Even though Christians have experienced the greatest forgiveness in the world, we often fail to show that forgiveness to others. To cover up our disobedience we often use the shallow statement, “I forgive her—I just don’t want to have anything to do with her again.” Just think, however, how you would feel if God said to you, “I forgive you; I just don’t want to have anything to do with you again”?
Praise God that he never says this! Instead, he forgives you totally and opens the way for genuine reconciliation. He calls you to forgive others in exactly the same way: “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Col. 3:12-14; see also 1 Cor. 13:5; Psalm 103:12; Isa. 43:25).
Remember that forgiveness is a spiritual grace (and a work of the Holy Spirit) that you cannot accomplish on your own. Therefore, as you seek to forgive others, continually ask God for grace to enable you to imitate his wonderful forgiveness toward you. He has forgiven us of an unpayable debt and calls us to lovingly forgive one another (Matthew 18) of anything and everything." The person who requires mercy, grace, and forgiveness of our Holy Judge and Almighty Creator, but shows none to others, ruins the bridge over which he/she must pass." Luke 17:3-5, Jesus said, “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them. The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!”
This biblical counseling notes are from a teaching series. The teaching material/content is not my own. The teaching notes have been edited for this blog post.